the decision
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- Winter Trees
It must have been winter because their coats had to be gathered up and the social worker, Ms Rechtern was wearing an overcoat, red or brown I think. “You’ll see them again” she called up to me as I stood at the top of that long staircase, watching her dress them for the walk out into the cold. Somewhere deep inside there was a knowing, that she was lying to keep this 7 year old from flying down that staircase, grabbing onto her coat, screaming and yanking their little hands out of hers. Our eyes met for one last time as they were scurried out the door and I was alone, like I had never been alone before and bewildered. Feelings I had never experienced rushed into me. No one was there to ask what had just happened. Alone in that big old house, I soon found myself in the room we had shared. Throwing myself onto the bed, I began to cry and then sob, wrenching sobs. It felt as though my insides, all my organs were being ripped from my body and I bled out. Hours later I awoke facing the wall for the first time. No one was there to explain, to comfort me with maybe yet another lie. A sense of betrayal and rage tore throw my being. Spent and weary, eyes red and swollen shut; I stood and shouted at the world and at God. “I will never, ever feel that way again” “I will never, ever love anyone or anything that much again.” A door opened somewhere, someone was home. I did not care.
